opera to cry to

i'm serious. this guy made me cry. it is so beautiful.

rainclouds and new things

it's raining. a lot. it almost seems like rain comes when something needs to be cleared away. washed. made new. the past few months i have been struggling...with faith, with love, with today. i almost feel like i have been wrestling God and he hasn't been winning. or maybe it is that he allowed me to win to teach me something. maybe he wants me to think i have figured it out so i can then realise how much i don't know. i have been pushing God out to make room for something else. (my own ideas?) i was just reading something that my friend, bess, had written and knowing that she has been struggling with things as well, she (or God) made it clear to me.




i need to trust him.




how do i do this when i have so many thoughts and ideas that seem right, good, hopeful? i remember being in egypt and having such a hard time dealing with the environment i was in, but realizing that i was God's beloved. he loves me. he absolutely loves me. why have i forgotten this?




needless to say, i need to talk to God more. i need to journal again. flush it out. allow God's love to cover me. not worrying about all the questions i don't have the answers for. i need to be in community. worshiping in community. loving in community.
like the rain that washes oil, dirt, grime from the earth, love, real love. God's love is washing away the lies, the apathy, the hopelessness, and making way for something new.




i bought my ticket for hawaii. one way. i leave december 31st. i'm starting anew. in australia. clean. fresh. covered in Christ's love.

i am obsessed

eddie izzard.

classic.

cake or death.

deconstructing the modern christian faith

how much of what we believe and fight for was taught to us and not quite experience by us? i mean really, how much do i believe that i have actually wrestled with God over? a friend of mine recommended for me to read this book by brian mclaren about faith, doubt, etc. knowing that others have struggled and are struggling with the same things as i am has been really encouraging.

I AM NOT LOSING MY MIND (or my faith for that matter).

for so many years, we have just accepted the way the christian church is. the way it thinks. the way it "worships". not anymore. by deconstructing this faith we hold, we will strip away all the human constructions that have unfortunately taken us away from the truth of love, peace, hope. then we will see truth. jesus. light. we need to ask questions.

like.

why do we focus so much on the "afterlife" and not on our PRESENT life?
is this an excuse to live a mediocre life of love?

instead of using hell as some sort of scare tactic to get people to "become" christians, we should talk about the kingdom. the kingdom of God. anywhere that God reigns. this is eternal life. living in the kingdom. loving others. loving ourselves. loving God.

practicing peace. teaching peace. living. breathing.

breathe in - beloved...
breathe out - i am here.

use me. teach me. here. now.

restoration. deconstruction. inspiration. reconciliation.

ONCE

finally. i saw it. it was rough. raw. real. i loved it.

i was at work yesterday and i saw in the paper that ONCE was only playing until thursday. i was going to go to the movie today by myself, but instead i was able to see it with five dear friends. there was basically a smile on the my face during the whole movie. euphoric. lovely.

watch it.

blood diamond

so i watched blood diamond the other night and i am serious i think it has changed my life. i mean i have always had a heart for africa and the children there who are in constant danger of being kidnapped, killed or raped, but after watching blood diamond i realized that i can't just say i care, i have to do something. but seriously, what can i do? it seems so hopeless. civil wars in africa are as common as celebrity marriages and divorces. they are constant and have been around for as long as...well a long time. i am pretty sure that after i watched the movie (by myself, in my room, on my laptop) i cried for like a half an hour. there are still child soldiers all over africa, especially in uganda. but once again i ask, what can i do? i guess that's why i am going back to school to become a nurse. at least then i can go to these places and at least help in some way. i basically realized, though, that only Jesus coming will save these people. the part in the movie when leonardo's character says that God left africa long ago was really sad to hear. honestly it seems that the only reason africa isn't completely torn to shreds is because of the faith of the few. there is a hope for africa. there is a hope for america, iraq, palestine, you, me. it is Jesus. without him we are lost, alone, hopeless, in despair. he is my hope and my salvation. so please. please. pray for africa. pray for america. pray for iraq. pray for hope. for love. for people. money. resources. time. i don't know what else there is.

seize the day

i really like my friends. i mean, shouldn't i? they are the friends i have chosen. or they've chosen me or whatever. but seriously, they are pretty cool. i realise that there are only going to be a few more months, years that we will be able to hang out the way we have. as it is we are starting to get more and more busy with boyfriends, husbands, kids, jobs, travelling the world, etc. carpe diem. that's what i say. go on bike rides. laugh. watch movies. surf. go in toilet bowl. travel together. soon very soon all this will be near impossible. it's called evolution. friendship evolution. toooo-shay.

also, do as many photo shoots as possible to capture these precious last moments. even if it is in a bathroom lounge.

blessed is this life

o although this last week was hell-like
( i was sick in bed for a week. my car got towed. i watched sound of music with my dad's girlfriend on friday night. i thought i wasn't going to get into the class i need to take this summer for my future as a nurse. i had to pay 300 dollars to get my car out of the junk yard. i couldn't eat full meals because i was coughing and my stupid antibiotics made me nauseous. my friends are either a. married. b. have kids. c. in australia. d. too cool for me. e. not cool enough for me. which meant that i watched a lot of will and grace last week. i watched brokeback mountain because i thought it was going to be good and it literally was about gay cowboys. they weren't kidding.)

BUT
none of this really matters anymore because i am going to hawaii tomorrow. i will bronze. surf. eat shave ice (or watch jer eat shave ice). cruise in the egg we are renting. and of course body womp.
life is good.
it just seems like when it rains it pours... or something.

nevertheless.
i am blessed.

Leave it Behind (ramblings)

so tonight at church we had a guest speaker that talked of forgiveness. forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. it doesn't mean making excuses. forgiving doesn't mean approving of the action or liking the person who hurt you. we aren't called to like people. we are called to LOVE them. it seems easy to say that we forgive someone, but saying it isn't enough. i realized that i may be saying that i forgive so-and-so for something, but do i still mention what they did to me to others? yes, yes i do. so i would say that wasn't leaving it behind. i wasn't, i haven't let go. this is what we are supposed to do when we forgive someone. this is what we want God to do for us. maybe, just maybe, this letting go will free us. free us from pain, from frustration. free us to love. this is what we are called to do. LOVE. FORGIVE.

travelling

so i am now in brisbane. have been for a few weeks. i was able to spend my first orphan christmas in the beautiful queensland, with lovely people. christmas in the summer was a bit different as well.
i have been able to go down to the gold coast and up to the sunny coast, bronzing, bludging. good stuff.
this is at burleigh with carlee and her sister, jodie. we also went up and visited tim and lisa mitchell who i haven't seen since 2002. it was amazing to talk with them and hear about their adventures suf coaching in the maldives.

i have also been able to go rock climbing in brisbane at kangaroo point.
we had a lovely bbq there, too. we celebrated new years at our house in brisbane, complete with a mini tramp and foxtel (every channel ever). let's just say we had our own dance party.

carlee and i dancing the night away. of course, we spent some time in surfers paradise, which is quite the opposite of a paradise if you ask me.
carlee strutting in front of the sign.

so basically, i have been really enjoying australia. most of my time has been spent trying to figure out how i can stay here forever (any help would be appreciated). mostly, though, i have just been smelling the frangipanis (plumerias) which are basically the best thing God ever created. God has been soo good to me in these past six months, and it has been such a blessing to share the things he did in egypt and in my own life as well. he is amazing.

Noelle comes tomorrow. i hope the points will be going off in noosa. i go to new zealand next week. i hope it is warm.

travelling is so good.