it's raining. a lot. it almost seems like rain comes when something needs to be cleared away. washed. made new. the past few months i have been struggling...with faith, with love, with today. i almost feel like i have been wrestling God and he hasn't been winning. or maybe it is that he allowed me to win to teach me something. maybe he wants me to think i have figured it out so i can then realise how much i don't know. i have been pushing God out to make room for something else. (my own ideas?) i was just reading something that my friend, bess, had written and knowing that she has been struggling with things as well, she (or God) made it clear to me.
i need to trust him.
how do i do this when i have so many thoughts and ideas that seem right, good, hopeful? i remember being in egypt and having such a hard time dealing with the environment i was in, but realizing that i was God's beloved. he loves me. he absolutely loves me. why have i forgotten this?
needless to say, i need to talk to God more. i need to journal again. flush it out. allow God's love to cover me. not worrying about all the questions i don't have the answers for. i need to be in community. worshiping in community. loving in community.
like the rain that washes oil, dirt, grime from the earth, love, real love. God's love is washing away the lies, the apathy, the hopelessness, and making way for something new.
i bought my ticket for hawaii. one way. i leave december 31st. i'm starting anew. in australia. clean. fresh. covered in Christ's love.
16 October 2007
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